Friday, September 23, 2016

You are still...

Just now I randomly decided to see my blog. I needed to remind myself.

My surgery came back negative for cancer. I've had scans again since then. The lymph nodes were smaller. Not gone but smaller. The oncologist said she's too chicken to wait too long to see me again so she'll see me in January for scans again. I'm okay with this. I want to be wise even if it feels like a step backward from where I was before.

Sometimes it feels like the twilight zone reliving the spring. Did that really happen to me? Again? While we were trying to open a restaurant? But the long scar underneath my arm confirms it. The slower drainage of lymph fluid from losing TWO more lymph nodes confirms it.

But I don't have cancer.
He is still good.
He would have still been good even if I had cancer. That's Who He is.

Other things have changed. Good things. Our restaurant has been open now for almost 6 months. This feels so surreal as well. It has been impossibly hard and yet here we are. But God. Not to us, but to Your Name be the glory. When we came to the place of trusting Him fully with the restaurant, there was such peace. The success of the restaurant rests on the Lord and our diligence to work for Him. Nothing more and nothing less. I am so incredibly grateful each day that my husband is getting to see his dream fulfilled. That people are enjoying food that we've prepared. That we are helping Project Zero and Living Mosaics (albeit in small ways now, but hopefully big ways later).

And I'm teaching again. Hard core. 6th grade, 5th grade, 1st grade, and kindergarten at home. Two sections of freshman writing at UCA. One online class of nearly 30 students taking freshman writing concurrently as homeschoolers. I can't even believe I'm doing all of this.

Not to us, but to Your Name be the glory.
I owe this place my presence. It feels hallowed here somehow. It is a place of wrestling for me. It forces me to be intentional, to think thoughts and process them, to share them. It is a place where I've been afraid and a place where I've shared joy. It's a place where I have said hard, honest things and unintentionally caused pain that damaged relationships. Out of that place I saw a deep, dark, hell pit that I never, ever want to see again. But God lifted me up out of it and so this place matters because that experience is forever intertwined with this place.It's a place that taught me I can be brave in my writing, just like I teach my students. A place where I can be free, but I need to steward that carefully. It's a tool of communication. It's a place of worship. It's a tool of ministry. It's an artifact of my life.

It's still here.
I'm still here.
I'm still a writer. Maybe not your favorite one, but it is still a gift I am so thankful God saw fit to give me. Particularly when I fail to steward it as well as He would want. He is so merciful to me.

I may not get to come here as much as I would like anymore, but I am thankful that this place still exists for me.

Lord help me to write more. Better. Stronger, More passionate. More gracious. More loving. More real. I hold this treasure in jars of clay. It is my act of worship to You.

1 comment:

  1. Shana, I'm so thankful to hear the good report! Keep writing!


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