Friday, October 16, 2015

Longer than Five Minute Friday: It's Time

I am sad to not be participating in "Write 31 Days" this year. It's amazing to me how quickly one year has flown by and all that has happened in my life in the span of these last 12 months. Last year when I wrote for 31 days, I told my story. It was healing and uplifting and encouraging and good. Apparently not just for me, but the many, many other people who told me so. I felt so in the thick of where I belong: as a writer, a storyteller, a life seeker. It makes sense then that the enemy would come along and try to steal all of that away from me. Oh he did try. Many days I felt like he won.

In my head I feel like all of this died. This place here felt, just gone to me. How do I do this again? What do I say after all of this time? Even now I get weepy looking back at how I tried so hard to do this, to make it work, and all I knew to do was walk away from the tomb. "He means what He says, Shana."

I died as a writer this past year. 

It feels so quiet and soft that I don't even know how to explain it. How do you verbalize what it feels like when the most real part of who you are and how you connect with the world is crushed into microscopic bits of sand? And kicked and blown about? Stomped on? Like a massive bullet blew right through your middle leaving a gaping hole. Air blows through it, but you walk around empty and vulnerable and uncertain of who you are.

Yeah that.

But here I am. God has been so graciously pursuing, drawing me out, healing me, loving me, whispering to me Truth. Baby steps. I see how even this hard death has taught me much. Taught me about the lengths the enemy will go to destroy. Taught me about why I write and don't write and who I write for. Taught me about freedom and grace and love.

I've had all these people go, "Where are you? Where's your writing? We need your voice. Your voice counts. God uses your voice. Come back!" Unexpected people and unexpected places. I found out someone I've never met who knows someone I know, told them she loves me just because of this place. My small group leader from last spring told me he saw me as a writer and I needed to do that again. And then a few weeks ago, I read this:

"So now I’m in the returning part, which has its own challenges. I feel so grateful. But I also feel fresh—new—baby-like, vulnerable, exposed, skinless. Like a soft shell crab that has outgrown its previous shell but hasn’t quite found a new one to wear yet.
For me, these depression times are exactly like an eraser. They come and stay and when they leave they take everything with them. The only way I can describe it is that I feel totally new—like I’ve forgotten all the wisdom I learned before. Like I’m starting over. It’s a little distressing for a writer. I don’t know anything again. It’s like spiritual amnesia. I am Dory from Nemo: Wait! Where are we? Hold on: Here I am and I SWEAR I KNEW some things yesterday! What were those things! Oh, who cares! Look! A whale!
I hate it a little bit. I feel untethered. But when I talk to God about it, when I say to God: What’s the deal with all the erasing? God says: Honey, take heart. I am doing a new thing.
And when I say: But I worked so hard to know all those things, God. And it’s my job to know things. People line up to hear me say things I know…
God says: Silly. You know nothing. You don’t teach by knowing, you teach by loving. You can do that. They don’t come to hear what you know, they come to hear your awe. And awe comes from having childlike eyes. Fresh. Post-erased eyes. "
(This is from Momastery. I may not agree with every word she speaks, but she KNOWS how to love and I think we can all learn to how to do better with that. She has a gift of loving well.)
And I was all like whooaaaaa. Yes? Yeah. Yeah that. I feel just like that. And then the Spirit was like, "Yes!! YES! That's what I've been trying to tell you too! You don't have to have it all figured out or have something super enlightening to say, to share the truth of who you are in Me and all the things I'm showing you."

So this is me. Me with fresh eyes and a new heart and some scars. But I'm new. I have no idea where we are going forward in this blog journey and I'm okay with that, because the reality is that I never really knew before either. Lots of people say you have to have a theme, a main idea, something you do every time you come to your blog. I don't have it. I promise it won't hurt my feelings if that means I'm not good enough for you, and this is why: If you are here, I really would like to think you love me for me, because I most definitely want to love you for you. We are all flawed and none of us will get it exactly right, but we keep moving forward, keep trusting, keep dancing with the One who knows us and made us. There's so much grace for all of us.
From the beginning this blog has been about my life, my people, my observations, all my dancing with Jesus has taught me. If there is a constant, it is that one. Aside from that, I know nothing. ;)

(I do really like Starbucks. I know that.)

I will update again soon about life, Nephresh, and all the things.

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