I've been staring at my blog page for days knowing I need to write. Say something, Shana, for the love. I've missed two Five Minute Fridays. I just haven't really known what to say. There is sort of a collective sigh of relief happening around here after our long awaited adoption finally happened. And with that the dust is settling and I'm looking at my people and I'm like, "Okay. Now what?" I'm certainly in no rush to find some fire to dance with. Peace seems longed for and I would be grateful for it to rest with me a while. The flip side is feeling like I need to be doing something. Not sure what.
Well that's not totally true. There are things happening. Aside from the day-to-day which now includes homeschool x 3, house work, extracurriculars, speech and OT therapy for two kids, I'm working on something near that I know God wants us to do that involves us going to bat for kids and foster/adopt parents still in the system and those who will come after us. So there's that. And then there's all these house projects that are super fun and can get overwhelming if you let them, but I'm not letting them. Daddywayne built us a headboard (pictures soon), I'm painting the master bath and the laundry room, we are raising the girls' bunk bed because the bunks are too close together, various art projects I need to complete. Oh and I need to start working on taxes.
So why do I feel restless? Why do I feel like I need to say "Now what?" as if there isn't plenty of what going on.
It's mostly about Jesus. I'm sure of that. I don't feel like I can concentrate on much of anything. He's definitely speaking to me about all the brokenness that seeped in my insides last year: fear, distance between us. I'm still struggling with how this has changed me. I feel peaceful and "on the Rock" again but I still feel a bit like a sieve in that everything He is saying to me seems like it has a slow leak. Or a fast one. I can't focus or fully get my bearings. I'm allowing myself to be distracted. I'm dealing with a lot of fear. I don't understand where He was and why He allowed what He did, or didn't bring resolution when I asked for it. Which sounds like a toddler throwing a tantrum. I don't feel mad though. I feel afraid. And yet I know He is good and He isn't that kind of fearful. And, duh, broken world and darkness and spiritual warfare and sin. I get all that. It doesn't change the fact that I've got to come out of this tunnel and see the light. All of the light. Everywhere I need the light. I need to feel His goodness over all those things. I need Freedom Prayer. And I know how to do it. I think maybe I'm not brave enough to. Or patient enough. But I've got to. I guess that's how you can pray for me. I need light to penetrate all the darkness that crept in. Yeah.
And today I got some devastating news that a biological family member of our kids died. Just so heartbreaking and kind of feels like the wind got knocked out of me. You think after the adoption is over that you put bio family and history behind you, but you don't. Going to get birth certificates was emotional for me. It's like rewriting history, except you can't. It took their bio family to bring them into this world. We get the privilege and honor of raising them and being mom and dad, but they wouldn't be ours without those before. And my heart aches over those before and their sickness and choices. I wanted them to do better. I wanted them to get well. I wanted them to be what our kids needed. So my heart aches in all that emotional conflict. My heart aches over the questions I have to find answers for later. My heart aches because I have gain but there is still loss. Lord teach me in this. Teach me what this looks like through Kingdom eyes. Adoption is Your work and all of this is a metaphor.
So this is me being real. Hi. This is life and I'm doing the hard work.
How is your life? What hard work are you doing right now?