Saturday, September 13, 2014

Awkward

I've been through plenty of awkwardness in my life. It's familiar. The braces-laden, glasses-wearing, big, thick frizzy haired, no make up 13 year old? Awkward.

Lumbering 5'7, size 9 shoe me? Awkward.

When I wear glasses instead of contacts and I have no peripheral vision so I continually injure myself? Awkward.

But this? These last months? I don't know that I have ever experienced the sheer volume of awkward moments, feelings, experiences, days, encounters, thoughts. I don't even have a paradigm for this level of awkwardness.

For some reason since we moved to Conway I have experienced an exorbitant amount of awkward. Am experiencing. It honestly feels like everything that could feel awkward right now, does. I am not comfortable in my own skin. I am not comfortable with people. I am not comfortable unless I am alone in my room with HGTV on, and even then it might be up for debate. I feel awkward with Jesus. Don't take that wrong, because He accepts me fully and sees me as I am, but I feel like all the dynamics of these months has changed the way I engage Him. I feel like I'm having to relearn how to interact with Him. I feel like I have no paradigm for anything anymore. I'm still struggling with who the heck I am. Promises He's given me, things I believe He has equipped me with that I feel completely powerless to use right now (because of life circumstances or because I am just completely a broken vessel and don't know how to give out of that place right now)...awkward.

My health/weight...awkward. I have been sick for nearly two solid weeks with something that my kids got over in 3-5 days. I've had two rounds of antibiotics and three shots. It's bad news bears. Awkward.

Relationship with my mom? Awkward. My parents got a divorce in the middle of us moving and our adoption mess. I'm very sure they didn't intentionally try to sabotage what was already doomed to be an awkward mess, but it definitely hasn't helped. I feel estranged from my own flesh and blood mother right now and I never even knew what that word meant or ever pictured me using it for anything except describing someone else's life, but as my life would have it...Awkward. How do you have a conversation with the person who birthed you and just feel like you have nothing in common with them,  you don't know them, or understand them or relate to them at all? So much awkward. (But hey, I'm being real about it and I feel like that's the first unawkward thing I've done in a long time, so happy dance.)

My old friends who felt safe and warm and comfy do not live near me anymore. I'm not on Facebook anymore (which is SO good. Truly.). Wait, let's pause there. Maybe I've fully realized the thinness of my relationships with people and how they were truly Facebook made and what I thought I had was real relationship, but really it was just through the screen and now I'm missing relationships with people that I didn't really have? Hmm. Epiphany.

And awkward.

And my new friends? I just have no clue where I fit. None of this is easy. I don't know how fully I can be me and be received. I have a lot of life experience and hard stuff I've endured, that I'm confident overwhelms sometimes even those who know me and love me best, and to try to lay that down with people who have no history with you? Awkward. I have felt misunderstood a lot, or that the expectation is on me to perform or respond a certain way and I'm just a broke joker who knows it and has been doing good to get out of bed most days.

Planting a church in the midst of this brokenness God? Okaaaaayyyy. Awkward. I don't even know. I feel like zeroish effective right now in much of anything except keeping the Wilson boat afloat. Being a wife? Check. Being a mom? Okayish. Homeschooling? Good. Watching HGTV and Food Network to escape? Yep, that seems good.

What the heck are You doing Lord? What are You showing me? Who are You making me? This is hard. I don't want to go back because I don't belong there anymore. But I don't know how to move forward because I don't even understand where I'm at. I don't feel like anyone is capable of speaking real truth into this situation because everyone that tries, even in love, ends up just regurgitating truth I'm already standing on. I'm so thankful for the people who are trying and wish they did have more to give me. It's just...awkward.

And I dedicate this blog to all the other weirdos out there. I'm sure I just took the cake, but hey at least you know you aren't alone. Shana got that awkwardness down. Drops the mic.

5 comments:

  1. Hey girl. I don't know what to say about most of your feelings, just because I haven't experienced them- I'm not a mom, my parents are not divorced- or I have the same problems and I haven't figured it out, either- weight issues, moving to a new place (that one just takes time). But one thing I will say is that it is totally OK to be a spiritual role model while struggling yourself. I think a lot of people need to know that a faith journey isn't just conversion and then everything is clear, that you just automatically understand and believe everything. It's a struggle sometimes, and other times it's a lifeline. And people need to know that, and see it, so that when they doubt, or they don't feel close to God, or when they hate God even, that it doesn't mean that they're no longer a Christian, or that there's something wrong with them. They need to see that it's normal and that persevering in the struggle pays off to make your faith stronger, deeper, more nuanced.
    We've just all got to let go of perfection! I think only then can we truly appreciate His perfection.
    Hugs, lady. You are enough.

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  2. You may never know the women you inspire just by letting them see Jesus through you and that you are human, have much of the same struggles women your age have, and just know that it's refreshing to see you be so frank and honest. This alone can help many women like you. Hugs, KG

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  3. Crystal, you have no idea how much that blesses and encourages me. Thank you. Are you a Crystal I know or a new friend who has found my blog? Xo

    Kristi, thank you too. Encouragement is like water to me right now and I so appreciate you dishing it out to me. Thanks for reading. <3

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  4. I am Crystal from Mills High School- do you remember going camping with Melissa and Jennifer? I can't figure out how to private message you, but I'd be happy to share my email address.

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  5. I do remember you! Thanks for taking the time to write me. It means a lot!

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