Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Who I am

Yesterday I broke free from bondage that had held me since I was 15 years old. Bondage that said, "You weren't enough. You weren't pretty enough. You didn't matter enough."

And now I see that that wasn't true. It has been so part of the fabric of my being that now that it isn't there, the image I have in my mind is that all the walls I built, was building, around me are laying flat around me. Bricks strewn about and a dust settling. And I'm in an open field. And there's people standing around. Not many, but several. They were trying to get in. And we stare at each other. We stare because I'm not afraid anymore, but I think in my mind that they are foreigners and they don't speak the same language as me. That they won't understand. And as I think this, a young woman comes closer and she sits on a brick in front of me, and I sit too. And she wants to know who I am.

So I tell her.

I am a daughter. And my daddy loves me and he is pleased with me. He thinks I do good things. He thinks I'm pretty.

I am a sister. A big sister. I watch out for my little siblings because I love them. Their friendship means so much to me. They make me laugh. I am glad I have them.

I am a wife. My husband came for me. He looked for me and found me. He fought for me. He fought to protect my purity and he fought to love me like a real man. He is strong and brave. He is my best friend. He thinks I am beautiful and always has. He still fights to protect me. He is my lover and we are one. He delights me.

I am a mama. I got to experience the miraculous gift of conception, pregnancy, and birth. I get to look into the eyes of two people who look like me and like their daddy. They bless me more than words. They make me laugh. And I have the gift given of three more who don't look like me, but like each other. I have the joy of watching how He makes families and causes threads to disappear into the surrounding beauty of material. We are intertwined now. They are with us and we with them. They make our lives more beautiful. There is much more we are learning about this, but this is what I know now. I am a mama and that fills my days and my head and it makes me bow and pray and it makes me laugh love. It gives me identity. These ones are the future Church and I get to shepherd and lead them. I get to teach them about Him. This makes me happy because He is so good.

And when I look at these, I see that He is in them and me and has made all of these things. He represents them and is the fluid around and through. I am His child more than any. I am His bride, more than any. And He has special plans for just me. Only  me. My work can only be done through these hands. He is molding my clay into something glorious for Him and something that will make me proud. I don't have to fear what He is making me, because He only  makes good things. Beautiful things. Meaningful things. All of His things have purpose and destiny. I like that.

He has given me passions, desires, longings, talents: connecting with people in real ways, art, photography, writing. An intense devotion to worship and music. Many days I could spend in His presence just worshiping Him and never tire of it. Intercession. This is the same. It is a gift and a joy. It delights my soul. Moving in the prophetic and letting Him move. This is life-blood, water, fulfillment. His love and heart beats here. This brings me joy. I love color and nature. I love the power and delicacy and intricacy of words. I love to laugh and laugh hard. I love wittiness. I love learning things that are applicable and meaningful. I love imparting knowledge to those who benefit from it. I love coffee shops and cooking delicious things. I also love eating delicious things. I love it when I figure something challenging out on my own. I love smells: clean laundry, fresh flowers, sweet candles. The smell of clean. I love closed eyes face up in the sunshine. I love how the sun looks different when the seasons change. I love how the earth smells different with each season. I delight in the weightlessness of swimming. I love animals and how they each have personalities. I love the beach and the infinite line where the ocean meets the sky. I love fishing with my daddy, even if we don't catch a thing. I love being understood fully without having to really explain it too much. I love easy relationships with people who love me fully and unconditionally and who I feel that way about too. I love how Jesus speaks so clearly and deeply and profoundly to me, if only I'll listen. I love when I look in the mirror and am proud of who I see.

I want to remember who I am. I want to solidify who I am. I want to be confident in who I am. I want you to accept me for who I am. Rejection has brought me such pain. And you will never be perfect, and neither will I, but can we just agree that I am enough? He says I am. And you are too. I want to look you in your eyes and tell you, "You are enough." Let's begin there.

We do speak the same language. I see that now. I'm sorry I wouldn't let you in. No more pretenses okay? Let's just be who we are, because He only makes beautiful things.



3 comments:

  1. Beautifully stated from the heart.

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  2. Kristi-thank you! I really appreciate that encouragement. How did you find my blog?

    Take Care!
    Shana

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was reacquainted with a sweet friend from my high school years who reached out to me a couple of months ago. I had been a pastors wife 20+ years and walked away from the only adult life I had really known. I was sent the book "Beautiful Outlaw" which reached deep into my heart and pulled me out of pain I had pushed back for many years. It was recommended that I read this beautiful blog you wrote about the heart. Thanks, so much. KG

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