I'm just not that good. I'm so stinking sinful and my heart so inclined by the busyness around me that it's just seemingly impossible to stay in tune with Him the way I want to. And oh how I try! I wake up with Him on my heart and I ask that He would lead me throughout the day, but somewhere between the to do list, the phone, the budget, the email, the children, and crawling back in to bed at the end of the day...I miss Him.
Not to worry, love, if you miss Him too. His mercies are new every morning. The amazing thing about this One we love is that for some strange and beautiful reason, our weak glances move Him. Gosh if I could truly grab hold of His great love for me--how that would change things.
But I press on.
What is most on my heart right now is living with intention. I struggle so often with feeling like all things I do are out of need or desire, but rarely with the knowledge that I am serving a big God with big purposes, and that ALL things matter to Him.
I read this great book:
and if you haven't read it, you should. Ann is totally not paying me to say that, but this book was life changing enough for me that for the last two semesters I have lead a small group on the matter. The crux of One Thousand Gifts is chasing joy. Joy. JOY. Fullness of joy. And we know Who that comes from right?
But for me it was more. It was about being present. Living in the moment. Stopping the insanity of the clock and the dishes, laundry, emails, duh da duh da duh, and realizing:
He is here.
He is near.
He is listening.
He is speaking.
He wants me.
I need Him.
He keeps challenging me with scriptures like:
"Be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10
"Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her" Luke 10:41-42
Oh God how am I to be still when "so much is to be done"?
And I feel like He is saying that that does actually mean being still more. Just stopping the noise and going to hide for a minute to just listen to Him.
But what I'm discovering, slowly, slowly, is that it also means paying attention. Like when I'm doing the dishes, I can listen for Him. When I'm cooking dinner, despite all the calamity that surely arises from children fighting, and baby screaming, and dogs underfoot...I can put on the live stream at Ihop-KC and press in to worship with them. Or I can let the bible app read the Bible to me. Somehow I need to tune at least one of my senses in to Him.
And it's amazing how things slow down. How putting those glasses on makes the world around me so much clearer. I just have to get out of my own head and start listening to His heart. He is always there. The difference between walking with Him or away from Him is simply a matter of what I'm tuned in to.
It really is that simple. He will speak if we listen. He always does. Sometimes it's surprising or even sounds downright crazy, but He desires to be known by us. And He desires to be glorified through us.
Living intentionally, for me, starts right there: listening to Jesus.
But it's deeper than this. So often I feel like I'm with my kids, but I'm not really with my kids. How can I pay attention to them while I'm on the phone or the computer? How can I really hear their amazing thoughts if I'm always needing to be doing something? (And let's face it, there's always something that needs to be done.)
What about my husband? How often am I so wrapped up in my own head that I'm not even thinking about what he's saying to me? Or how I can love him better?
Or my friends? Or the lady at the check out line? Or while pumping gas? I mean how often am I so stinkin distracted by what to do next, that I'm not being present in the moment?
Sweet Jesus I'm missing it.
I'm missing You. I'm missing them. I'm missing it.
Ya'll don't you see? Does that feel like a knife in your heart like it does mine? It makes me want to shut my Facebook account down and throw my iPhone across the room. But then it would be something else. A show. A project. A job. A book. The laundry. The dishes. The housework. Self-improvement. Home organization. The news. Leading a small group.
Why do we feel like we have to fill our voids? I mean we have filled them so full that our former voids have multitudes of boxes inside, with plenty of options, in case that void of space, or time, or quiet creeps in.
I'm exhausted just listening to myself.
Be still and know.
Be still and know that I AM.
Be still and know that I am
Lord that you would help us start living with intention and that that wouldn't mean another box to check off our to do list. God help us to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and okay with the quiet. Help us to fill our space with You and only the things You have called us to. Help us to be abounding in love. Help us to be like Mary and sit at Your feet. Help us Abba. We need You.