But I digress. What I really want to post about has to do with this quote:
I have an opportunity to create a home that—imperfectly, of course--reflects God as our refuge" (taken from a post on Healthy Refuge).
This post is really good stuff. Stuff I've been thinking about a lot lately. I have so missed being home. I mean I'm "just" a grad student, but when I've been home I haven't really been here lately. I have savored and relished these last two weeks being here with nothing vying for my time except my daughter, my home, and whatever leisurely activities I desire. I have missed Cayle being here. Can't name how many times I've wanted to go get him from school just so he could do what Alaya and I are doing. Ugh, c'mon June 8 already!
But I've been wrestling these last few weeks with justifying my being a SAHM. I know, I know I've been doing this for 5 years, I shouldn't have to wrestle with it anymore right? Wrong. Unfortunately I battle many people, ranging from strangers to friends and family, who want to go toe-to-toe on the issue. I had one such encounter with a certain unnamed family member recently that left me reeling. This family member saw fit to comment on our financial situation and how it is Dwayne and my responsibility to provide for our family.
Family member: Dwayne doesn't need to let pride keep him from being a SAH dad so that you can go to work since you have a degree.
Me: I am one semester away from having a graduate degree which will open up a whole new world of opportunity for me...
(cut off by) Family member: You already have a degree!
Hmm. And so it went. Very frustrating. I was left feeling that everything I think/believe/feel is wrong. I was told to read the book of Ruth. That God had laid that on this person's heart...maybe something to do with Ruth taking initiative to provide for herself and Naomi.
So I read Ruth. I honestly and humbly asked the Lord again to show me if I'm wrong. Show me if I should go to work and leave my children with someone else. Show me if every ache and longing in my heart to be home with them is wrong. And you know what I got out of the book of Ruth? That Boaz was her kinsman redeemer. She had a servant's heart. She wasn't afraid to work, but she didn't provide for her family. God did and he used Boaz.
Nothing in scripture leads me to believe that our decision for me to stay home with our children and for Dwayne to be the main breadwinner is wrong. I have no disagreement with the notion that we should be wise with every penny God gives us because it is from His hand. Dwayne and I both hate debt. We don't go on shopping sprees with money we don't have. God wants us to live within our means, no question. Our hearts collectively long for that. We have been through some very difficult job situations. We have been attacked, ripped apart, and we've also made some poor choices. But we can't go back! We cannot change what has happened. We can only go forward!
Where I am and have been since before Cayle was born is here: I literally feel like someone is ripping me apart to think of leaving my children at a daycare so that I can go pull a 9 to 5. And as far as Dwayne goes, there is no pride issue there. He would stay home in a heartbeat if that is what God called him to do. But it isn't. That isn't how men are wired. They receive so much affirmation from their work and providing for their families. This is what God called them to do. And Dwayne would absolutely go psycho if he had to figure out what to do with the kids all day every day. Psycho. I'm just bein real.
So what are we left with? The same thing we are always left with:
Are we going to trust God to be who He says He is? Are we going to listen for Him and obey what He says to do? Or are we going to let the voices of people (whoever they may be) and the enemy convince us of lies?
I want the voice of Truth to prevail.
So, back to the quote: "I have an opportunity to create a home that—imperfectly, of course--reflects God as our refuge." Creating a home that reflects: God. Is. Our. Refuge. This is amazing!! This is so much more than being a mommy. Than kissing booboos, or fixing lunch. Than homeschooling or all the other 50 million things I do each day that I'm here. I am called to be a peacemaker! In everything I do here, I help to create that! What a revelation! I mean I know that all that I do helps keep this Wilson ship moving and that when I don't get to do all this (because of school, sickness, or otherwise) the Wilson ship grinds to a screeching halt...but to know that all those little things matter and why they matter? Well, that enables me to snap my fingers in Z formation and say: "It may not mean much to you that I'm here, but it means an awful lot to my husband who works hard all day and to the little people that have stability, peace, love, and joy in their home because I am here."
(For the record I realize the snapping the fingers in Z formation and speaking with attitude may not reflect Christ-like-ness, but I was merely making a point. Although I have had to repent before of such things...)
Thank you God that You are here. That you want me here. That I don't have to shy away from that. Thank You for leading me to pursue this degree. It is the fulfillment of a dream. It has made me a better and stronger writer. I believe You will use this to open up doors that will allow me to help our family from home. I believe this all will somehow bring You Glory. Thank You that You heap no condemnation on my head. Thank You Lord, perhaps most importantly, that You use the foolish things of the world to shame the wise. I love that about You. Thanks for loving me Daddy.
(I want to remember for later to talk about: the American "dream.")