Monday, February 22, 2010

Elbow?!

I need to be typing like I need a hole in my head but I've got to vent.

So I started exercising and working on my eating habits at the end of January. The first week of the exercising, I got extremely sore and also within 24 hours found myself with bronchitis. I took a round of antibiodics and got to feeling better for about 4 days when I came down with a sinus infection, overnight. I went to the doctor and was prescribed another round of strong antibiodics and was given a steriod shot. The Biaxin took forever to really kick in and I was very sick for like 4-5 days during which I started developing bronchitis again. So there was week 1 and 2 of the exercise regime. Week 3 began with 5-6 inches of snowfall. Week 4, which was last week, I began my Monday jaunt out into the parking lot and as I was putting my gloves on, crossed over a piece of black ice causing me to wipe out in the parking lot... directly onto my arm/elbow. I went to the ER, was cleared for a wrist break, put in a sling for a possible elbow break, given a shot of Demerol and sent home with a script for pain meds. I saw the orthopedic doctor on Tuesday of last week who decided to just leave me in the sling for a few weeks and then re-xray me. My arm started to improve but my elbow is stuck: I can only extend it so far and then the joint just stops moving. Same thing when I bend inward. There is something blocking the movement. And it hurts. BAD. The pain goes down my wrist and my fingers when I rotate my hand and I also have pins and needles in my fingers. Nice.

Obviously this poses problems for me as a wife, mom, cook, launderer, student, driver, writer, and phone talker. Among other things. I feel utterly useless. I know I'm not, but I am so stinking debilitated right now I'm annoyed with myself. I'm annoying others. I am a detriment to society. Well, maybe just my family. Unless you consider my driving...

How can I crack jokes right now?! I don't know, I guess I have to laugh so that I won't cry. Like I did last week. Every day. It was retarded. I'm tired of crying. Right now I'm just pissed. Not at God. He didn't do this. Satan did. Stupid, freakin enemy. He's a punk. He is out to steal, kill, and destroy me. I know he won't win because I belong to Jesus, but I am losing the battle of my mind right now. I mean I'm better than I was last week, when I felt like I was stuck in an ever-flushing toilet. Now I just feel mad. And stuck. And I want to do laundry but I don't know how to bring laundry downstairs with one hand, or separate it with one hand, or pull it out of the dryer and lay it flat, fold it, or hang it up with one hand. I tried making a PB&J today with one hand. Its nearly impossible!! ARGH!!!

Everything is complicated. Driving with my left hand for instance: imagine having to start the car left-handed, buckle up left-handed, put it into gear left-handed...you feelin me? I'm SO grateful I'm left hand dominant right now because at least I can still feed myself without spilling it all over me, but left hand is feeling super shafted by right hand's lack of responsibility.

Oh, and did I mention that right elbow is the same right arm as right breasted cancer, with right mastectomy, with 9 right lymph nodes removed, which makes right arm drainage very slow? No I didn't. So my arm is swollen and sore and tender and messed up.

Pretty sure husband is mad at me right now. No not because I'm worthless around here, or because he did the laundry last week, or because he cooks dinner, and does dishes, and, oh yeah, his job too... Nope its because I'm mad at myself. Yep. I'm mad at me because I can't help him and he's exhausted, and I can't help him, and its my fault, and I'm taking out my anger at myself on him. Makes lots of sense doesn't it? ARGH!!

In case you're wondering, I don't feel better right now.
Pray for me. Us.

1 comment:

  1. Sorry. That sucks. Just remember who already won. Turn on that DCB song, "And we've already won, and you don't have a chance!" Get pumped. Your Father loves you. He loves Dwayne. No weapon formed against you will prosper. Realize your intimacy with Christ in this time. Check out the daily meditations here at www.akouo.net (friend from our church in Tulsa)--look at Day 5. There is suffering--it's part of this sinful world. But you can go to the secret place and let Him love you (read today's--Day 23--meditation about that!!!). Love you.

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