Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Feeling

I'm feeling good right now. I know I haven't said that in a long time and it feels good to say it. Since my doctor changed my thyroid medicine I have been feeling lots better. So much so that I even begin to forget what it has been like not feeling well. Strange how quickly that happens.

Often the fact that I've had cancer feels like a distant memory. I am quickly approaching my two year anniversary. It seems amazing that this much time has passed. But then again I still have three more years before I am really considered "in the clear." And I'll probably be on cancer meds until Jesus comes back. Just saying. ;)

Sometimes though I wonder if that C (cancer)is just around the corner. Or maybe it's just the S (sickness)? I don't dwell there, but I am human after all. I picture it lurking, waiting for an opportune moment. But I always imagine that Jesus is there too, holding it back. My Jesus Lords over it and this brings me great comfort.

Speaking of humanity I was talking to a dear friend today, one who has endured great grief and loss herself and lived to tell about it. I realized that someone that has grieved and lost can understand another's grief/loss better than someone who hasn't, even if their grief isn't the same. It was very comforting to use the same words to describe the emotions. We came to the conclusion that people can say very hurtful things to those who are hurting and that that comes out of either that person's need to try to make the situation right in their minds, or their desire to help the other person but not really knowing how. I told my friend that often I wish that someone would cry with me in the moment. I think everyone feels like they need to be strong for the wounded, but there is something about someone crying with you when you're hurting that is like salve on an open wound. Empathy.

I wish so much that the people in my life who are always trying to "fix it" for me, would just listen and not try to fix it. If I'm talking about it, more than likely I just need an ear. But then that comes right back at me because I'm a fixer myself. You would think I would learn the lessons I want others to learn...

I've decided that I want to feel in the moment. I don't want to try to box it up. I don't want it to be glazed over. I don't want it to be exaggerated. I just want to feel. My husband has been amazing at letting me do that. He lets me soak his shirt in snot and tears without saying a word. A good man he is.

And a good many friends and family I have that would do anything for me. For that I am grateful. We are imperfect and that means me. So if you think you've said something wrong to me you probably haven't, and if you have I'm over it because I've probably said something wrong to you too.

This is me blogging.
I've missed the frequency with which I used to navigate this space. Grateful to be back.
Now, though, do I even have any readers?

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