On some level I feel like I'm going to be judged for what I'm about say but this is my blog and I think I'm entitled to speak about how I feel concerning certain things. I want to preface this by saying that I am so incredibly grateful for what we do have, and that isn't just lip service.
We went to get preapproved for a home loan today. Much different than the scenerio we faced when purchasing a home in 2004. Gone are the days of 100% financing. Gone are the days when if you can prove you're paying your rent in a certain amount then your home loan could be given in the same amount. Needless to say we couldn't get preapproved. Credit is not the situation. We both have near perfect credit scores. The problem is debt to income ratio. More the income part because even if we completely wiped out our debt (which is not very much) we still couldn't be approved for any amount that would actually afford a home. To say I'm discouraged would be correct. All I could think about on the way home is that all I want is to give our kids a backyard. Really. That's it. It nearly breaks my heart every time I hear Cayle say he wants a backyard. The kids pray for it at night. Dwayne and I were looking at a house last week and Cayle said, "Mom is this our house? Could you pray and ask God if this is our house?" Cayle doesn't care what house we get, he just wants a house. This is a hard thing.
I feel stuck. I could go to work full-time but I don't think what I would be sacrificing is worth it. I would be committing my two-year-old to being in someone else's care full-time while I'm at work. I would be disabling myself from serving Cayle's prek classroom at school. I would be dropping my classes for next semester because I know that I cannot work full-time and go to school full-time. Alaya deserves to have her mommy around just as much as Cayle did. Cayle deserves to know that just because he's in school, doesn't mean I'm not here for him anymore. My school deserves my full attention, not my half-hearted attempts. Besides I also wouldn't be able to be a TA if I was working full-time which would pose the question again, "How will school get paid for?" In addition I will be of greater earning power after my Master's is completed than I am worth now. What to do?
I feel for Dwayne. For the first time in a long time he is at a job that he actually enjoys and can minister at, but it doesn't pay very much and he has to run himself ragged while he's there to make good tips. I don't want to ask him to leave that job on the off chance that he could find a job where he could go to work and be happy and minister. He is willing, but I worry for him. I've seen what he's like when he is not appreciated or respected at work, even abused. His heart is heavy. I don't like that Dwayne. That Dwayne makes me miss this Dwayne.
And the other issue is that even if there is another suitable job somewhere for him (and I do think there is, just don't know where) it is doubtful that he could change career fields. Hiring people want you to have a certain education and a certain level of experience. They want you to have worked in the field for a while. How does anyone ever break out of what they are doing and make something else of themselves? Are we not living in a free country? It feels kind of like a caste system. Every interview Dwayne has, they don't even have the courtesy to follow up with him, even when he phones them and sends a thank you note. I don't get it!!
And in the back of my mind, I hear God saying, "The enemy is stealing your joy."
"Yes, Lord. I agree with You. But God, why? Why do we feel so stuck? Why is it that you keep us here in this place of struggle and hardship, but see fit to give to others in abundance? I know, God that I'm not supposed to covet what my neighbor has, but I really don't want a house in Chenal, I just want a backyard for my kids to play in. And I know that you have not condemned me for asking these questions. I know You grieve when I grieve, and that's how I come to You now. With a heavy heart. Bring peace to my heart God. Restore my joy and my confidence in who You are. I'm not asking You to give me what I want, I just need to know You are here in the middle of all of this."
"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" (Matthew 7:9-11)
"Bless You Lord. Bless You for the roof over our heads and for our two beautiful, healthy children. Praise You for being my Healer, God. Thank You that Dwayne has a job in an economy when many others don't. Thank You that You love me and that You grieve when I grieve. Thank You that Your plans are for my good, our good, and not for calamity. Speak to me now. Speak to me that I can run to You and hear Your voice. I love You, Lord."
I hope you guys can understand on some level where I'm coming from in all this. Thanks for reading.