Thursday, April 23, 2009

Ponderings

I'm sick. Sinus crud passed from Alaya to Dwayne to me. Alaya and I both went to the doctor today and we are both on antibiodics now. I'll spare you the details of the symtoms, but let's just say it's nasty.

So I've been spending the last week or so making the posts from my old blog private. I guess I want people to come here and I don't like the thought of some random person perusing my old blog posts when I won't be going there very often anymore.

All that to say, I've been thinking so much about the last six years of my life. I looked at old baby pictures of Cayle, remembered what I was thinking during that time in my life, and how different it is now. I imagined myself at the grocery store with just one child, an infant even and how different that feels from now. I remembered watching him and learning from him and trying to figure out what the heck I was doing in raising him. What an amazing season. And it only gets better because then Alaya comes into the picture. What joy!!

I also walked through all the hardships we've had: our financial struggles, Dwayne's job and calling, problems with family, and my cancer. Wow. Life has happened. Life is still happening. I'm so glad that I have blogged and am blogging, more so that I can go back and get a play-by-play someday when I forget what it was like to have babies, to be pregnant, to breastfeed....

Yeah you probably knew that was coming. The grief. The sadness. It has its way of sneaking in and reminding me that I am not unscaithed. I will never breastfeed again, because my breasts aren't real. I lost them.

And I will never be pregnant again, because in order to stay alive, in order to prevent this horrible disease called cancer from returning, I must forsake my fertility.

Another loss. Another grief that I must deal with. Yet I feel the Lord's nearness. I feel His buffer surrounding me, reminding me that He has a good plan, a perfect plan. I have hope in that. I have hope in the day when another child or children will be placed in my arms. Entrusted to me to raise and care for as my own. I hope for that adoption and I do believe it will happen, all in the Lord's perfect timing. I'm not anxious. This is all a process and a road.

And I'm grateful for today. I'm grateful for this moment that I am cancer free. For this breath and this heartbeat. I'm grateful for the amazing man that I call my best friend who has stood by me, has loved me with every ounce of his being, and who still stands beside me. The joy of getting to share my bed each night with that man, even if he does say crazy things in his sleep. I'm grateful for the two beautiful, healthy, funny, sweet, precious children that I have been entrusted with. How did I deserve such blessing? Oh the gift of life that has been places in my hands. In our hands. Our family. He has so richly blessed us beyond what we deserve.

Thank You Lord. Thank You for your hand that has given freely and abundantly. More importantly thank You for Your face and I am searching for it all the more Lord. I'm looking for Your eyes Jesus, and longing to know You more. Reveal Yourself to me. Reveal Yourself even in these hard things. Be glorified in my life. Be glorified in this family. Bless You God!

"I will exalt you, O Lord, for you lifted me out of the depths and did not let my enemies gloat over me. O Lord my God, I called to you for help and you healed me. O Lord, you brought me up from the grave; you spared me from going down into the pit" Psalm 30:1-3.

1 comment:

  1. Thank You, Jesus, for Your work in Shana's life. Continue to magnify Youself in her.

    ReplyDelete

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