Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The day before the end of my fertility

That's today. I had to sign a sheet of paper in my doctor's office that said I had been told I would never get pregnant again after the hysterctomy. I laughed and said, "That decision was made for me a year ago." But the reality and the finality of it is now. This is the second hardest thing to losing my breasts. It would probably be the first hardest if it had come first but suffice it to say they are both really hard.

I wonder what someone else in my shoes would feel like right now? Would they be a basket case? Would they be roaming around sobbing as if someone died? Or would they be joyful? Joyful as in, "Hey I've got two kids, who needs more?"

I am both grateful and grieving. I just realized I'm probably doing the stupidest thing possible. Watching "A baby story" on TLC. Nice. Why does everything have to be so ironic and metaphorical? Geez!

Sunday night at church I felt the Spirit of the Lord come over me and the realization that my womb is a holy place hit me. In Psalm 139 it says, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb." So His hands were inside my womb, knitting my two children together there. His holy hands. My womb has experienced the glory of creation, the glory of the Almighty. It is like the holy of holies. Does that make sense? I prayed that as my womb is removed tomorrow that a spirit of reverence would fall upon the operating room, that something that has been handled and touched by the hand of God, is in their midst. Maybe that sounds crazy to you but I think it is a beautiful picture of the goodness of God.

I was telling Carrie earlier that I am so torn. One half of me is in absolute awe of the love and mercy of the Lord. He has been so near to me and I have felt His buffer around me. I know He knows my pain and He hates this for me. He loves me. Such a beautiful picture that stands in stark contrast that is the darkness of the situation. The other half of me is like, "This sucks." It sucks that I've had cancer. It sucks that I've lost my breasts and had a cazillion surgeries and my body has entered the state of a 50-year-old, and now, I am losing part of what makes me woman. Not all of it, and I don't think that for a second. But the part that is supposed to be young and fertile and healthy. It sucks. But I'm still not mad at God. He is the only thing that makes this worth it. He is working out His glory through this. I can rest there. But it still sucks. :)

Praise the Lord. How good it is to sing praises to our God, how pleasant and fitting to praise him! He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. His pleasure is not in the strength of the horse, nor his delight in the legs of a man; the Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love." Psalm 147
My hope and prayer is that He is pleased with me. I'm so grateful for His love and mercy.
Please pray for me tomorrow. I have to spend one night in the hospital. Pray against complications and infection. Pray that I will be able to rest in the hospital tomorrow night. Pray for my husband and children that there would be peace in their hearts and that the Lord would sustain them. Oh, I forgot to mention that Cayle broke his pinky finger on Friday last week. Pray that that would heal well. Pray for my parents and siblings as they serve us and care for us that there would be peace in their home and hearts and that the Lord would give them energy.
Until I'm not too loopy to type coherently anymore.... :)


  1. I didn't realize you came here...cool. My prayers are with you Shana. I can't help but be a little sad for you, but I know God's plan is perfect.

  2. Can't wait to hear how you're doing. Give me a call if you want or a message.


Would love to hear from you!

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